The tiny communication shift that changed an Eight’s life

Eights: try this before telling someone they’re an idiot 😂

What if one tiny reframe could change your entire life?

That’s what happened to an Enneagram Eight I met while teaching a leadership workshop for San Diego Rescue Mission.

They’re a nonprofit helping people experiencing homelessness in San Diego, and I was there facilitating a workshop for their team on how different Enneagram types grow as leaders.

At one point, we were talking about communication. Specifically, how Eights can adapt their style when they’re speaking to people who need a softer entry point into hard conversations.

Because the classic Eight approach is, to put it gently, direct.

No small talk or cushioning. Just… bam! Here’s the issue!

Which can work great with some types.

But with more relational types (like Twos), that level of bluntness can immediately put them on the defensive.

As one Two once told me, “It feels like they’re yelling at me, even though rationally I know that they’re not.”

That’s when one of the leaders—let’s call him Tom, because I’m not about to blast his real name on the internet—shared something that could be a game-changer for Eights.

He said:

“Instead of saying a challenging statement, I turn it into a question. That simple thing changed the next twenty years of my life.”

Now, let me be clear…

This does not mean taking a statement like:

“You’re being an idiot.”

and turning it into:

“Are you being an idiot on purpose?”

Even if they are, in fact, being an idiot. 😂

The idea is to change your own thinking from an immediate conclusion to curiosity.

A Real-Life Example

After I shared this idea on Instagram, someone messaged me with a great example (names changed).

Jill’s husband had recently received an unexpected medical diagnosis. Around the same time, he started seriously considering a career change.

Jill told me her immediate instinct was to say:

“You’re only thinking about changing careers because of the diagnosis.”

But instead, she took a beat and reframed it as a question:

“Do you think the diagnosis might be influencing your desire to change careers?”

She said that one shift changed the tone of the entire conversation.

As she put it: “It helps me come off less confrontational, which is a huge struggle for me as an Eight. I can express my honest concerns, thoughts, and beliefs without hurting my husband. And it leaves room for the possibility that I could be wrong.”

(Shockingly, that IS a possibility for you Eights 😉)

Another Eight put it this way:

“I’m married to a Seven who sees confrontation as a buzzkill. Framing things as questions and taking a pause to regulate has changed my life.”

Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

I’m not saying: don’t bring up concerns.

I’m suggesting that a more efficient road to solutions includes being mindful of your delivery.

Because Eights are very solution-focused.

I’m a Three. I totally get it.

We want to get the problem solved as fast as possible!!!

But really, that kind of approach can actually make things work less efficiently in the long run.

Especially if it makes the relationship less functional.

Suddenly, the other person is way less likely to share things with you, so there’s even less honesty and trust than there was before.

If You Want to Practice This Skill…

One exercise I like comes from The Enneagram at Work by Jim McPartlin.

It’s a simple process for diffusing conflict that can help any type, but especially Eights, pause before reacting.

1. Activate your inner observer

Notice your reaction. (Self-awareness starts with noticing!)

Do you feel the urge to attack? What emotional reactions are you having?

Try to reach for the higher expression of your type, even if it feels like the exact opposite thing you would usually do.

2. Do a threat-and-benefit assessment

Ask yourself: How big a deal is this? What are the potential consequences? What good could come of this?

3. Listen… before forming your opinion.

This is the key for Eights: try listening to the other person’s perspective without mentally writing your response.

Then, reflect back what you heard. (Out loud!)

Not agreeing, but just getting clarity on what you just heard.

Because that gives the other person the opportunity to be like, “Actually, that’s not what I meant.”

So I’m curious:

If you’re an Eight, have you ever tried this? What was the result?

I’d love to add some more examples to this article, so if you do share in the comments, please let me know if you are okay with your experience being used to help other Eights practice this!